11 STEPS TO LEARNING PATIENCE, TO TEACH OUR KIDS PATIENCE – THE CONFUSING VERSION

Kids and Patience.

Sort of like chalk and cheese, or Kylie Minogue and Kylie Jenner – except with MORE frustrated yelling (and less plastic surgery), and HEAPS MORE discharging blocks at walls because the, “Silly block tower didn’t WORK properly!”.

Sure, it can be super hard waiting 27 seconds for a meal to magically appear in front of you. Who cares that an actual sandwich has so many steps. If a three year old is hungry, they ain’t waiting for no ham packet to be actually opened. That is just a complete time waster. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER SMALL GOODS PACKAGING*!!

*I may have to write a letter to the ‘Is Don. Is Good’ dude.

In saying all this, I have come to the conclusion over the last few weeks that my son may have inherited the ‘low patience threshold’ gene. He may or may not have got it from his Mother.

Let’s cut the shit. He got it from me.

I will be the first to admit I am pretty crappy with my patience. If a tradesman is two minutes late, I get annoyed and have his number pre-dialled into the phone ready to ask ‘What the delay is?’. If the kettle takes too long to boil, I consider chucking it in the bin. I even get quite impatient after the song, ‘November Rain’ hits the 7:02 minute mark. Can you hurry it up a bit Gunners??

Thank the Lord we don’t have dial up internet anymore. I would have been committed, long ago.

So it’s no surprise that my son is copying my behaviour. My bad. It’s definitely my fault, I know. But I just like things to flow evenly. Like, immediately. Like, RIGHT NOW!

HURRY UP EVERYTHING!!

I wrote a post on Toilet Training when I was looking for some tips whilst teaching my son. The tips were from WikiHow, and they were hilarious. They were also very weird and I did not follow any of them. So I thought it was worth another visit to WikiHow to see if they can give me some ideas on how to teach my kid (and me) some patience.

Just jokes. I only wanted a laugh. There is no way in hell I am going to follow their outlandish steps.

NOTE: Smart arse comments from myself are sure to follow each image. You’re welcome.

STEP 1. Take a little time to think about the purpose and beauty of patience. Patience gives us time to reflect, to slow down and think about the world and the things we’re doing. It’s a way of enjoying what we’re experiencing rather than always rushing toward an end just to make room for the next rush.

While your hair is perfectly flowing and brushed, and you have a clean shirt on (bullshit, bullshit), think (from your lower back) about an empty of cloud of pink and purple brush strokes. Make sure you are super serious on the ‘thinking’ part.

I’m sorry. I have already failed and I’m only at Step 1. WikiHow, most parents don’t have patience to teach their kids patience in the first place!!!! I’m already tapping my foot here!! Help me.

 

STEP 2. Ask the child what he or she wants to have, do, or be. Resist the impulse to have things the way you’d like them to be. Even a very young child can indicate their likes and dislikes; allowing these to express themselves at appropriate occasions is important.

Give ‘smouldering’ eyes to your child, and make them blush. Nothin’ like making your kid really uncomfortable, allowing them to blurt out their deepest thoughts.

Not sure where to go with this one guys. It’s bordering on a lawsuit. But maybe I just don’t have the patience to really understand this pic. Moving on…..quickly now.

 

STEP 3. Show goodwill and interest in children. Where possible, try to please them. This isn’t about being a doormat for the child’s commands. It’s about respecting the wants and requests of the child within the appropriateness of the situation.

Oh child! You crack me up! I am so telling that joke to Barb at work, in accounts.

What about if your child is already using you as a doormat? Like, literally. Last week my kid wiped his stinky cheese hands on my white stain-free top. I’m interested in my child. Just not his stinky hands. Stinky cheese hands on white perfect tops, does not make Mumma a patient person.

 

STEP 4. Be grateful for your children and for all children. When the daily chores mount up and everyone is rushing about, sometimes it’s easy to take one another for granted. Taking time now and then to express your gratitude for your children will help you to respect them for the unique, individual beings they are, and helps them to see the importance of valuing others openly.

Blushing girl is now doing seductive eyes on boy with bad taste in clothing. These kids learn quick.

Good tip, WikiHow. But I wasn’t really listening. I was madly rushing around doing my daily chores because they were mounting up. I did yell out to my kid while I zoomed past him whilst vacuuming that ‘I loved him’ and ‘I thought his hair looked cool today’. Does that count?

 

STEP 5. Humble yourself. Be willing to do things the child’s way when possible. While their attempts might sometimes cause you frustration and worry, it is important to allow children to show you their way of doing things. If your child offers to help with making dinner, don’t think of the mess they’ll make.

Make your kid cook for you, and then watch them with a terrific smug look on your face. They will hate doing it, but don’t give in. Just look smug, and stupid. Stupid works.

My kid cooks with me now. But if he doesn’t have something to do every second of that time, broccoli and grated cheese goes flying across the kitchen. Hence the reason I am looking you up WikiHow.

Maybe patience should be learnt before we get near dangerous gas? Just a thought.

 

STEP 6. Remember that children are human too. Remember that children have feelings, likes, dislikes, favorite foods, colors, etc. Honor these things when possible.

Now we come to the terrorist step. Don’t worry, it’s all cool. Just smile and laugh while your kid points an army rifle at your head. It’s all about patience.

Phew! Thanks for the reminder, WikiHow. I totally forgot my kid was human. I have been treating him like a pet rat all this time. I even called him Splinter once. Okay, fifteen times.

This step sounds incredibly worthwhile though. Give my kid a rifle and point it at my brainstem? Is this about patience or trust? I’m confused.

Is it okay to shit myself in this step?

 

STEP 7. Resist the temptation to control children. Children are ready to trust and soak up information from the people who care for them and spend time with them. Trying to control children lacks respect for their own self and is a way of trying to insert your way of thinking and preferences onto them.

Never, ever explain to your kid how ‘big’ their penis may turn out. It could destroy them forever.

Aha! So I announce to them, “Run free child. You are out of my control!”. And in turn, I learn patience when they destroy the house and burn the backyard shed down? And then they learn patience because they have to clean all the shit up that they just destroyed, without complaining? I think I am slowly getting this. I think.

 

STEP 8. Pick your battles carefully. Most choices are not a life and death situation. Give children a rope long enough for them to safely learn on their own. Mistakes are a learning experience.

If your kid is starting to give you the shits, turn your back on them. Make sure you are wearing an ugly brown turtleneck too.

Most choices are definitely not life and death situations, I agree. But sometimes they are. Like the other day, I had to decide whether I demolish the last Mars Bar, or do I give it to my kid. If I eat it, I would be sooooo satisfied. If I give it to my kid, I would be the favourite parent for five seconds but then the sugar high would have turned him into a shouty little reptile.

That scenario was definitely a life and death situation. What do I do, WikiHow? WHAT DO I DO?

 

STEP 9. Be kind to your children and they will learn to treat you and others kindly by your example. Your example will be helpful to your children throughout their life. They will also have learned to make wise choices by the choices you allowed them to make. Now they will be kind to their children and teach them to make wise choices.

Now start going all clairvoyant on your kid and read his mind. After you have found out what the hell they are thinking, write a WikiHow feature on it – complete with weird and inappropriate cartoon drawings.

I agree with this tip. One hundred percent. Be kind to your pet rat. Sorry, child. I keep forgetting.

Can I still call him Splinter?

 

STEP 10. Be kind to yourself. It can be very hard to be patient sometimes in a world where teaching Mozart in the womb and expectations of exemplary behavior from preschool are considered the norm.

If all else fails, pray. It’s your only hope now.

This image is one I can relate to. Except I am a little more ‘frantic’ breathing and my knuckles are more clenched. I am also not surrounded in pink softness, and I don’t have that green top. My hair is heaps more messy bun-like and I am usually a lot more flushed and sweaty. Actually, this image is completely the opposite of what I am normally doing. I retract my original statement. This image has nothing to do with me.

 

STEP 11. Love being with children. Sometimes our greatest impatience arises when we allow our own endeavors such as work, personal pursuits, hobbies, sports, etc., to get in the way of spending time with children.

Seductive girl is still ‘eyeing off’ boy sitting next to her. Except he got changed, into something even more grandpa-ish. And chick in the back is letting everyone know that she doesn’t wear deodorant while she is sweating it up.

Hey, I love being with my child. It’s the patience part that is testing me. I have learnt nothing by these tips, except to dress badly, read minds, pray, demand my child cook me something, treat him like a human and not a pet rodent, and encourage my kid to join a terrorist group.

Again, you have outdone yourselves WikiHow. Thanks for the laugh.

How are your kids and patience? Do you feel that they need to hold a rifle to learn?
Isn’t WikiHow just the coolest and funniest site?

Let me know in the Comments section below.

Love (as Reeve says),

xxoo

p.s. I actually think it’s quite normal for kids to be impatient with things. Yes, they need to learn how to not get so frustrated, and that is definitely up to us parents to teach them. I just don’t think a fully loaded rifle is the way to go. Unless you are ‘that’ kind of parent.

Linking up with Essentially Jess for #IBOT