Okay, so we are at that stage in our lives where we are going through toilet training. Well, this stage has been going for the last few months, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
By we, I mean my nearly three year old. By training, I mean a constant chorus of my voice never swaying from the words….”Do you need to go to the toilet? Do you need to do wees? Are you dry? Make sure you tell me if you need to go”.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Sometimes literally. But mostly, I am quite sick of my voice. I’ve forgotten how to make real conversation. I am repeating those phrases to my son so much, that I can’t remember how to say Good Thanks or Hello to the local checkout lady when she asks how my day is. I just stare blankly at her and have to stop the urge to ask her if she needs to relieve herself.
I must admit my boy has been amazing throughout his lavatory schooling. Yes, he has accidents which have made me gag into our garden. But he has also come through with flying colours too.
As most parents, I have done a bit of research to make this task a little easier for all of us. My first thought, because I have a son, was……
Does he sit down to wee? Or does he stand up like a proper boy?
At the start, I thought it was safer for him to sit down. Safer for me, the walls, toilet window, and ceiling light anyway. As we all know, males can be a bit shit with their aim into a big white ceramic bowl – no matter if they are three or eighty three years old.
But I needed a few tips on the process of schooling a boy in this area, so of course I went to Google and found some instructions from wikiHow. They have included the below diagrams for easy explanation too.
Of course, I had to put my own thoughts and smartarse comments underneath.
STEP 1. Dress your 1-2 year old son in a long shirt that covers to his thighs. This way air will circulate to allow him to feel his private parts. It also stimulates him to want to urinate.
Okaaaay? I don’t know if my husband will be cool with getting his best shirts drenched in his own sons urine. Oh what the hey! It’s all for a good cause. Sorry Matt. You will have to start wearing Reeve’s clothes now. We are doing swapsies because of the whole toilet training thing. I know it sounds backwards, but you can’t argue with wikiHow or Google. Deal with it dude.
STEP 2. Place a bucket or potty half filled with water on the floor in the bathroom; this way it will be easier to make the transition to the actual toilet.
WikiHow doesn’t realise that I can be a tad clumsy. So clumsy that my best friend calls me the blondest brunette she has ever known. So clumsy that this bucket of water will appear in front of my path, no matter where I go. Therefore, this bucket of water will end up knocked over constantly, and result in me launching this toilet training tool into the neighbours yard.
No wikiHow. I will miss this step thanks.
STEP 3. Have an older male sibling, cousin, or friend’s son age 4-7 accompany your toddler in the bathroom. Have the older boy throw some dry cereal that floats (3 or 4 pieces)into the water and demonstrate urinating to sink the cereal. Don’t stay in the bathroom – but allow this to be a boy thing.
You have to be shitting me wikiHow?! I’m sorry, but I won’t be texting my girlfriend to say……
“Hey girlfriend! How’s things? Soooo, just wanting to borrow your young fella for the morning so he can throw Cheerios into the toilet with my son? Maybe he can also stay for morning tea so he can chuck some banana muffins and watermelon in there too? Let me know if this suits? Seeya chick. xo”
I will lose a friend if I had to do this.
And you make me smile real bad when you state – Don’t stay in the bathroom – but allow this to be a boy thing. You do know Mothers don’t enjoy cleaning all day, every day? Especially piss, poo and cereal off floors and walls. You have to be off your head if you think we will ‘leave the bathroom with two small children alone to wreck havoc’. Completely off your heads.
See, I think after your last diagram the cereal would some how have disappeared already. Either; already flushed by the two out-of-control boys; picked out of the bowl and eaten; or grabbed out of bowl and smeared across the walls.
STEP 5. Now refill the bucket half full of water and throw some cereal in. Lift your son’s shirt and tell him to dunk the cereal. He will probably get it right away and giggle in delight as he dunks the cereal.
Are all your problems solved by cereal, wikiHow? I may just have to buy shares in Fruit Loops and Cheerios so I can afford to teach my son how to go to the toilet! What with all the cereal wastage and everything! What if I run out of Cheerios? Can I use Weetbix? What about Cornflakes? Can you guarantee all this swelled up cereal experiment is not going to clog my toilet?? CAN YOU???
And dunking? I think we are getting a bit off track here. I thought we were teaching boys how to urinate. Into a toilet. So they can get out of nappies and grow into little boys. This step sounds more like Dunking for Apples. This step sounds very gross, wikiHow.
STEP 6. Assist him in dumping the bucket into the toilet and again allow him to watch it go down as the toilet flushes. This is very interesting to a small toddler.
Look. Wouldn’t it just be easier if you got the kid to just actually do his stuff in the actual toilet? Instead of piss farting around with buckets of water and cereal? This sounds all very confusing.
Kids won’t know whether to eat their cereal or piss on it. When I am out for breakfast and notice that kids are starting to drop their daks at the table over a bowl of cereal, I will know that they have been taught wikiHow’s ‘Instructions on how to toilet train boys.’
STEP 7. Always keep the bucket filled halfway with water and 1/2 cup cereal in the medicine cabinet.
Always, always keep ½ cup of cereal in medicine cabinet. You never know when you may need some cereal in an emergency.
Grazed your knee? Don’t worry, I’ll grab the cereal.
Got concussion? Be calm, I have cereal.
Heartache? Get some cereal into you.
STEP 8. Allow your son to go bare bottomed with a long shirt for a couple of hours each day. Accompany him into the bathroom every half hour to see if he needs to use the bathroom. Every time he does it – which he will most likely be delighted to do, reward him by letting him watch it be flushed down the toilet.
Reward him by letting him WATCH the toilet be flushed. You have not advanced to flushing toilet yourself, child. That will be in seven years, when we allow you to actually touch that button. Be patient.
This poor kid looks confused. He doesn’t know whether to take a piss or eat some Weeties.
STEP 9. After an accident, give him something to drink so that you’ll have an opportunity to watch him before he has to use it again. If you notice him touching himself – take him to the potty. Say, “Do you have to use the potty?” Then if he sinks the cereal say,”You remember where your supposed to go potty!”
You lost me at ‘sinks the cereal’. I don’t think I will take these Handy Tips on, thanks. They are a bit shit. No offense. I just would rather my kid learn to go to the toilet properly, instead of side-stepping around it with weird crap.
STEP 10. Always allow it to be a positive experience for him and soon he will look forward to his bottomless time that he gets to use the potty.
Hooray! He got there. He looks ten years older, but he finally got there. I bet you this poor child has complexes about cereal from now on.
You make me laugh wikiHow. So much.
My kid is excelling in toilet training thanks. And I didn’t even have to use anything from the pantry. I know your tips may work for some parents, but I think I may just stick with the simple facts – piss and poo in the toilet. The end.
Did you find toilet training your kids difficult? Did you use any condiments, cereal or smallgoods to help with the schooling? Is wikiHow off their heads, or is it just me? Let me know in the Comments section below.
p.s. Whenever I need a good belly laugh, I am just going to search for something on wikiHow. They are a good cure for sadness, or just being in a foul mood. Try it for yourself. Just search for something random. They give hilarious tips for anything.
Linking up with Essentially Jess for #IBOT