“How can you need to poo AGAIN?”
This conversation is guaranteed (100%) to come up 7.53 minutes after bedtime.
Kids have this uncanny knack of saving their poo up until the most inconvenient time.
Inconvenient for the parent. Very timely for the child.
This will usually happen when you have put them to bed for the 18th time, about to kick off your shoes, watch some sort of show that doesn’t have any crappy kiddie jingles associated with it, and pour a glass of wine.
The conversation will go something like this:
Small child calling out from bedroom: “MUMM! I NEED TO POO!”
Parent: “WHAT? AGAIN? YOU JUST POOED 15 MINUTES AGO. AND THEN 10 MINUTES BEFORE THAT! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU STORING ALL THIS STUFF IN YOUR SMALL BODY???”
The phrase ‘Full of Shit’, is actually not far off the truth when it comes to small children…… and bedtime.
“Can you please stop touching ‘DOWN THERE!'”
Maybe this happens with boys more? But maybe not.
As parents, we all know how much they ‘play down there’, but COME ON, sometimes it borders on ridiculous.
Admit it, as parents of boys, we have all threatened when it’s bath-time, that ‘it will fall off and go down the drain‘ if they play with it too much.
So we do what we have to do. We work with our surroundings and use the dark dungeon hole of a drain to maybe spark some scariness in the whole ‘event’.
Judging from the passing male adult public, I see the ‘playing or touching down there’ never really truly ends.
“Can you please take my underwear off your head?”
Look. I am sure everyone is quite open to having their kids occupy themselves while they get the shitty job of ironing done. But maybe us responsible parents have to interrupt our awesome job of ironing every week, and announce aloud to our precious innocent beings that “It’s not cool” when they decide to put Mummy’s clean g-strings on the head.
The operative word being, clean, people. Don’t freak out now.
Sure, normally no one else is around to see this interesting event. But we really wouldn’t be able to live with ourselves if they sit down to read “Where’s The Green Sheep?”, with our fave black knickers hanging down over their eyebrows.
“No, you can’t visit Paw Patrol and see Chickoletta.”
Every parent will come across a few conversations with their kids about their favourite shows and characters*. Usually about every three seconds. Sometimes every six seconds……if you are one of those lucky bastards.
*Damn you ABC Kids and every other stupid kids channel out there (but secretly, thanks for being my co-parent).
In a small child’s view, it may even seem that we speak about the characters as if they were ACTUAL REAL TRUE PEOPLE and we CAN VISIT THEM ANYTIME WE WANT.
Then our shitty lies back fire on us.
Because one day our kid asks if they can visit Paw Patrol land and go down the slide like the puppies do and save the day and wear a badge and be heeelarious just like Marshall and blah blah blah blah.
And then we have the very responsible job of telling them that it’s all lies and not real, and sorry to break your heart kiddo, but paw patrol is a load of cartoonish Nickelodeon crapola that is only there to keep you occupied while Mummy does her chores.
“Yes, Santa is watching you through the security monitor thingy.”
This is a personal one. And you can borrow if you need. I actually borrowed this idea from fellow blogger – The Notorious Mum (thanks Lisa, you are awesome).
Sometimes I have to go to the extreme. And I know this sounds very unethical and wrong, but one day I lost my shit because my kid was driving me so bat shit crazy with his ‘threenager’ behaviour that I felt that I needed to bring out the big guns.
And the big guns for kids, is SANTA.
So I did it.
I brought out the big ammunition and told my kid that Santa was watching his behaviour all the time…..through our security monitors in the house.
So every time that beautiful blue light comes on, SANTA IS WATCHING HIS SHIT – AND HIS SHIT BETTER BE GOOD OR NO TRAMPOLINE THIS YEAR, MISTER.
It worked. He doesn’t freak out about it. He just knows he is warned when that sparkly beautiful North Pole bluish light comes on, whenever he misbehaves.
And that my friends, is how you parent sometimes.
Can you relate to these conversations, or can you not? I would love to hear your weird conversations with your small (or big) children. They’re all funny.
Please leave your comments below. xo
p.s. I use the Santa thing on my son all throughout the year. Sometimes I throw the Easter Bunny and Superman in too. It’s whatever works for me and the situation. Try it if you have any flashing lights in the house that are reliable 😉
Linking up with Essentially Jess for #IBOT