My amazing Pop, passed away on January 20th 2013. When my son was only three weeks old.
He taught me so much. You fall off a horse, you bloody get back up on it and wipe your tears away. You work hard, and don’t listen to the whingers. You have fun, no matter what you do in life.
“Just bloody do what you want, Kelly. You’re a good kid.”
He didn’t mess his words up. He said what he meant. And you quickly should understand that – because he wasn’t going to repeat it twice.
He was the best. I looked up to him like there was no other.
And still to this day, I can’t believe that he is not here. My Pop died before he could meet my amazing son.
And I so wanted Reeve, my beautiful son, to meet my Pop. So, so much.
Just to see him. To tell him some wise words. I wanted to show my Pop, the one who taught me so much, the best thing that I had created.
We were planning to go back to my home town (on the other side of Australia) because I wanted my family to meet my special, beautiful baby that I finally had. To meet everyone. To meet all my family.
One morning, in that horrible January, Mum rang and quietly asked, “Is there is someone there with you Kelly?”. I could hear it her in voice that something was very wrong.
“Why, what’s wrong?”
“Is Matt there with you?”
“WHAT’S WRONG MUM?”.
“Is Matt there with you?”
“YES HE IS HERE! OH MY GOD WHAT HAS HAPPENED?”
I had a newborn beautiful son, that I was breastfeeding at that very moment when my Mum rang – to tell me something that I already instinctively knew.
And I cried. And cried.
I took my newborn son off my boob and passed him to my husband. So I could cry some more. And then cry more, like hormonal new Mothers do, but multiply it by a billion.
Because my Pop had died. My beautiful Pop had gone.
I felt out of control, because I wasn’t there. To console my Mum. To console my Nan – The person that she was married to 60 years. They were one side of Australia. I was on the other.
I couldn’t be there. Right now. To hug them. And cry with them.
But the biggest thing I thought of was, he hasn’t met my son yet.
He knows what I have been through with getting this baby, and he hasn’t met him yet. He needs to meet him.
SHIT! Why?! My Pop needs to meet him. To teach him the stuff he taught me.
CRAP! NO! He can’t have gone. He was supposed to meet the baby I finally had.
But, he had gone. So quickly. Too quickly for me.
I changed the flights. The ones we had booked to have a celebration with our family because of our newborn son, to the ones where we would now be brought together for a funeral, that was to say goodbye to my beautiful Pop.
And then came the shitty flight.
The one where you get so completely nervous with a newborn. The baby’s first time on a plane. Our first time with a newborn on a big plane. Everyone looking at us and hoping they’re not being seated next to us.
Don’t give me the judgement look please. I will throw something at you. I’m going through something more than just ‘new mother syndrome’.
I was numb.
If someone complained about my baby’s crying, I would have failed to notice. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I should be excited to get on the plane to see my family. Not sad. Not somber. Not going to a funeral so my family could meet my finally awaited son.
When passengers gave us sideways glances, I wanted to shout, “MY POP DIED! GIVE ME A BREAK. I HAVE A NEWBORN. EVERYONE PISS OFF!”. They could have been looking admiringly at my son, but I was so on edge. But also numb.
I was sad. And angry. Mostly sad. And very tired.
The funeral, was as funerals should be – completely emotional. Wishing we weren’t meeting in such awful circumstances. But glad we had each other to talk to.
I had my newborn babe in my arms, with all my family around me. They were meeting my new love in my life. Giving him cuddles. Giving me so many cuddles too. Welcoming him into the world.
My family is amazing and I can’t thank them enough for the amazing love in that moment. My husband also got me through a lot too. He is one super human being.
But I will end with this….
I so very wanted my Pop to meet my special guy, Reeve. They would have got along so well.
I know that.
I see little things in Reeve that remind me of my Pop. His stubborn way. His wise soul. The cheekiness in his eyes when he smiles.
The amazing blue eyes.
There is a lot of my beautiful Pop in my beautiful son. I know that. I need to know that.
I just wish he could have met him.
Have you had someone in your lives that has passed away before your kids met them?
Please let me know your experiences in the Comments section below – if
you feel like sharing.
p.s. This post was a hard one to write. As you know, I am usually a more light-hearted/funny kind of blogger, but this post shares a bit of my personal side.
Linking up with Essentially Jess for #IBOT