THE 5 TYPES OF VALENTINE’S DAY PEOPLE

My husband and I don’t do this ‘holiday’. If that’s what you want to call it – A holiday.

It’s more like an incredibly overpriced sales pitch to the public, wreaking in awfully strong Red Door perfume, with a $25 red rose that has been starved of water but ‘prettied’ up with some white baby’s breath.

It’s just such a wrought.

I may have celebrated Valentine’s back when I was 18 or something. I vaguely remember being romanced over a steak and chips counter meal, washed down with a $3 special glass of Coolabah Sweet Fruity White. Ahh, the romance.

But that’s what it’s all about. The experience, not how much money is spent.

This year, I actually did take my three year old for morning tea and a movie. He has never been to the cinema, so this was going to be interesting. But what was even more interesting, was the different types of ‘Valentine’s People’ around.

You could spot them all a mile away.

 

The One Who Breathes/Smells/Sees/Doesn’t Shutup About Valentine’s Day:

This person sucks.

All they do is yap on about how romantic this day is, and as Valentine’s Day gets closer they constantly bring up that time where their boyfriend took them on a sunset champagne cruise while endangered dolphins from Africa jumped out of the water at exactly the right time, and then a rainbow came out and world peace may have started from that moment on and everything was so perfect because it was “Sooooo romantic”, blah blah blahdy blah.

It’s also all about the flowers (roses only) for this person too. And everyone will know exactly what flowers they received, because they would have plastered their pot of 78 red roses (one for each second they have spent away from each other) all over Instagram/Facebook/Twitter/Channel 9 News/Grammy Awards/Russian Space Station Satellite Images.

This is their most favourite day of the year. It’s all about the love, and how much money you spent on them.

 

The One Who Always Forgets, Then Ends Up Broke:

You will know when see this one. They will be running frantically through the shops silently mouthing things like, “Oh shit!” and “I am going to get my arse kicked so bad!”, and, “WHY DO I ALWAYS FORGET THESE STUPID SHITTY DAYS??!!”. All the while hyperventilating and flapping their hard earned money crazily in the air, shouting, “JUST TAKE MY MONEY!! ANYTHING! SELL ME ANYTHING!!”

Most likely to announce to their partner “That they are just going to duck to the shops. No of course I haven’t forgotten, love. I am planning something special”.
*slams door and drives in hot pursuit to the closest florist/chocolate shop/servo*.

This person is likely to get caught speeding; blow their monthly budget on a stuffed toy present – because everything goes up a billion percent on Valentine’s Day; or have an aneurysm from all the stress they put on themselves for forgetting every year.

This person is so screwed.

 

The One Who Loathes Valentine’s Day, So Very Much:

Don’t mention the ‘V’ word around this one. Violins will start playing and they will remind you what happened to them on that Valentine’s Day back in 1998. There will be tears, moments of hatred, maybe some glassware thrown, lots of anger, some more tears shared, and then a slap in the face because you stupidly mentioned that word in front of them.

This person actively hates this day, all because of that time their partner did something unmentionable and RUINED THEIR LIVES FOREVER. They will voice this opinion whenever they can. They will also announce that Valentine’s Day is shit, cute couples are shit, flowers are shit. Everything is shit.

Stay away from this psycho on the Love Day.

 

The One Who Celebrates Valentine’s Day With Everyone, Even Their Pets:

Craft and desperation is strong with this one. This is the person who spent the past two weeks making everyone personalized love cards, and took up a second job just so they could afford to buy everyone a pink rose with attached candy heart.

Yeah, this person will make you feel guilty for not making them anything. But you just can’t get too close to this person, because you know they get super clingy if you even stare at them for longer than two seconds. Their nights are usually lonely but can include feeding their dog ice-cream and singing karaoke songs, with their goldfish.

But give this person a hug, because they probably really need it. But don’t hug for longer than 1.5 seconds. And also do strong pats on the back, so they know it’s only a ‘friendly’ hug and nothing will eventuate from this embrace.

 

The One Who Drowns Their Sorrows On This Lonely Day:

This is the person who has been talking about getting drunk on Valentine’s Day for weeks, and definitely with the same level of excitement as those who actually have something planned.

“So Janice, got anything planned for this Valentine’s?”

“Shit yeah!! Vodka martinis are on the menu all night! I can’t wait!”

While everyone else is staring lovingly into each others eyes over a romantic dinner, Janice is getting shitfaced on the dance floor and trying to sing ‘Horses’ in a nice sober tune.

If you see Janice, or this type of person out, you may have to guide them to the taxi rank on your way out. Or at least buy them a shot of good quality bourbon.

 

There all different types out there. And good luck to them all. Valentine’s Day is celebrated differently to everyone.

I look forward to receiving my little love present from my son which he has made at daycare. That little gift itself makes me flutter inside. But in saying that, this year his daycare DIDN’T BLOODY DO ANYTHING FOR THE MUMS! Crap.

Valentine’s Day is a bit his and miss really.

Do you enjoy or celebrate Valentine’s Day?

Have you seen any other V Day stereotypes that you wish to share?

 

Love (as Reeve says),

xxoo

p.s. When my son tells me that he “Loves me Berry Well”, that is enough to make my heart explode. Stuff Valentine’s Day, I get loved every day ;).

Linking up with Essentially Jess for #IBOT