Remember those days? The ones where we were young, careless, and free?
Before marriage, before kids… before toddlers.
I promise, I would not swap my child for anything. But I do remember, like the memory of a one hit wonder, the melody of being childless.
Lately, I have noticed a few things I miss pre-children. Maybe I have noticed them more because my kid is having a few more (thousands more) tantrums than normal, and those lovely pre-children memories come flooding back to me.
Up yours, ‘terrible three’ stage.
We have all seen these lists around. The standard things like; Sleep; Pre-baby Body; Anytime/Anywhere Sex (what’s that?) and Privacy are all listed. I most definitely agree with all these too, but there are some others that stand out more for me.
Holy Shitballs! I so very miss my nearly empty handbag before kids.
Now it’s taken over by these little bastards……
They’re sultanas, if you don’t understand. And lucky I showed you a photo of clean ones! The ones in my handbag are usually covered with sand and broken plastic remnants from cheap toys.
Gone are the days of leisurely placing your hand in your bag (AND NOT EVEN LOOKING!), and pulling out exactly what you want. Now it takes a good 15 minutes of searching and pulling out numerous broken army men toys, half eaten muesli bars, that piece of toy you were looking for three months ago, and a lid-less lipgloss that has gone bat shit crazy on your handbag lining.
That lovely work day where you would count down the hours for FRIDAY DRINKS!! That pure anticipation of where you were going, what you were going to wear and how much fun you were going to have!
It used to be:
“Whoop! Will meet you at the pub in an hour! I will order some champagne for starters! Okeys??”
“Friday? I thought it was only Tuesday. Oh well. Nothing like a rock on night of Better Homes & Gardens and going to bed at 8pm after a glass of wine because I can’t handle my booze anymore.”
Remember them? Where you would get up at whatever bloody hell time you wanted (usually hungover) and choose where you were going for breakfast. All the while talking about the night before and lounging your big fat butt on the couch.
Now it’s like any other day of the week, with just a remnant of how it used to be in the deep dark dungeon of your kid-fried memory.
Admittedly, the inside of your head still sounds like the inside of an Irish bar, but externally, you’re now reduced to the sort of entry-level profanity from the script of Ben & Holly’s Little Kingdom – Oh bother, Heck, and Geez.
I put the news on at 5pm because it makes me more ‘adulty’. I try and catch the main headlines but I really do need to have super sonic hearing because my child knows I want to be more ‘adulty’ at this time, so in turn screams his little ‘infantile’ head off.
Our house now consists of animation and jingly jangly stupid songs and spoilt brat little bunnies who are way too bloody happy.
Browsing at the Shops
Never have I been so organised in my life before going to the shops. No time to eff around and browse at stuff. It’s all about power walking through the stores, one hand passing numerous amounts of food to my child, and the other hand making ‘get-out-of-the-way’ movements to my fellow shoppers.
Stay too long and look relaxed, and shit will really hit the fan. Your kid may look happy and be on their best behaviour, but if you signal to them that you actually want to try on that skirt in the changeroom, there will be stinky hell to pay.
Say what? I can barely even pronounce the word, let alone remember it.
I took it for granted. As Gary from Take That would sing….“I want you back..want you back..want you back for good.”
I so miss you Silence. You were my bestie. The thing I went to when I needed time out.
Now even when I do get the odd chance of Silence, my ears are ringing from all the high level talk action from my kid earlier that day, that I can’t really relish in its glory.
Having Dinner after 6pm
Because, I didn’t think I would be acting out the whole Nanny and Poppy role until I actually had grandkids! But yes, because of the child, we eat waaaaaaay before the sun goes down.
I remember the days of eating when it was actually dark! Dark, I tell you. I don’t think I would even remember how to use my cutlery now if there was no sun in the sky.
Choosing A Restaurant
I vaguely remember going to a restaurant booking at 8pm in the past. Yep.
That’s like my bedtime now.
And then we would stay for two or three hours! Eating and drinking slowly!! WTF??!!
That is a very distant memory.
Now the decisions of where to eat, are all based around the child….
What time do they open? 5:30pm? Cool. We will get there at 5:25pm and wait.
Is it kid friendly? As in, will there be other desperate families there with their kids running around wildly and hardly eating any of their $15 plate of food?
Is there a TV? Man, I hope there is! How else is our kid going to be distracted for a mere three minutes? There has to be a frikken TV. Okay?
Is there room to move? There has to be an outdoor area or something for him to run. Okay? And also in case he has an ‘accident’ on the ground – it’s better outside for this to happen, you see. And his super loud voice gets a little more lost when we sit outside. MAKE SURE THERE IS AN OUTSIDE AREA!!
We order, eat super human fast, don’t even bother ordering wine because there is no time to enjoy it, scream at child to stop running, then leave. All in a handy 27 minutes.
Super efficient. No time for relaxing when going out for dinner now. It’s all about the efficiency. That, and because us Nanny’s and Poppy’s want to be in bed by 8pm.
I miss all these. But you know what, I love my time post -children even more. We sacrifice things to get better things in life.
What do you miss pre-children?
p.s. 8pm may be a little exaggeration on my bedtime. It’s actually 8:15pm.