BLOW UP THE KIDDIE RIDES

How do I put this. I dislike these things very much. Hate is a very strong word and it’s a shame to use it, but I’m gonna.

I HATE THEM!

These stupid-bloody-money-stealing-kid-induced-squealing-painful-time-wasting-bastard-no-point-in-them-horrible-crappy things.

Honestly……..they can only be described as pokies (slot machines) for children.

There. I feel better now.

Actually………I am still going to whinge about them. Because, if you didn’t get my point above….I don’t like them. Let me list all the points why they need to be collected and burned into the ground, no longer to be seen:

Split Personalities. They turn your beautiful well-behaved child (for that morning anyway), into a screeching banshee who demands that they NEED to use this ride in a matter or urgency otherwise there will be hell to pay.

My feelings for the Octonauts have now gone to the dark side after they invented this kiddie ride.

Time wasters. I got shit to do, son. Lots of it. I don’t come to the shopping centre to frolic around to every kids ride, throwing my gold coins at them so you can sit on them and jiggle for 43 seconds. I GOT SHIT TO DO! Like groceries! And get you new jocks because your toilet training! And start buying Christmas presents! And drink good coffee so I can stay alive to look after you!

They start wars. Kids always want the same seat as the other kid on that particular ride. Always. The behaviour comes with being a child. When our children are made, a gene grows in their DNA stating that…….
‘No matter what, you will always fight for the same seat that the other kid wants. Even if there is an identical one right next to it. That one is not as good. Only go for the one that the other kid wants.’

I must say this one is pretty cool, but I STILL HATE THEM! Reeve does match nicely with his stack helmet though.

Germy germs. I am not one of ‘those Mothers’ where I sanitize my whole families’ skin every 2 seconds, but I sure as hell am very wary of snot, poo, juices and god knows what else that comes out of other small humans. These liquids will always find their way onto their small human hands. Which in turn, will find their way onto the conveniently placed arsehole shopping centre rides. My kid has been sick with colds, conjunctivitis, croup and ear infections this year. No way in hell I want more germs thanks.

Then there is the stupid Bert and Ernie one. Aaaarggghh!!

Rarely. And I repeat RARELY, do I put money into these stupid things. As my son runs screaming up to them, looking at me with pleading eyes for some gold coin that apparently just magically appears from my hand, 99% of the time I say, “NO. You can sit in it and that’s it. You have 21 seconds. Your time starts now.” And that is the end of that.

He knows they work because he sees other kids ride them. He sees other parents gladly hand out money to make these magical things work. That is why he pleads for me to cooperate. Not because I let him ride them.

He also has a stunning memory and remembers that time back in early 2014 where I last let him ride one. His memory is outstanding.

Yes, I am a bitch sometimes. But this bitch has stuff to do. And this bitch also likes to spend money on important things for her family. Kid rides do not come under my ‘Important Things For The Family’ list.

I also have used other excuses to not put money into them, or even better, distract my child from not even getting on them! Feel free to use the below reasons/lies if you wish. Just send me your gold coin donation for payment.

1. “It’s broken sorry. The lights flashing means it’s broken.”
2. “That one doesn’t allow children. It’s just for show.”
3. “It will disappear if you touch it.”
4. “OMG! LOOK! LET’S GO OVER THERE”. *distraction tool*  (works every time – must use very excitable voice for this one

Does anyone have the same anger problem as me with these things? Am I the only fun police Mother out there? Please let me know in the Comments below.

Love (as Reeve says),

xxoo

p.s.  Sometimes I even use the excuse, “This one doesn’t take money, Reeve. You just sit in it and look happy”. He still gets a thrill out of it! I am such a fun police bitch.

Linking up with Essentially Jess for #IBOT