Remember the old days of taking photos?
The ones where people smiled in photos? The ones where people said, “Cheese”, stood properly – not with one leg bent and one leg straight for the ‘skinniness’ effect?
The ones where we didn’t check the photographers ‘work’, judge, and say, “Nope. That’s shit. Do it again. I look crap”, and then 45 minutes later you may have got the ‘right’ shot.
The ones where a simple photo took a total length of maybe two seconds to snap – not 32 minutes because one of us didn’t have our head tilted correctly?
To be honest, my version of ‘selfies’ are a bit bland. I honestly just don’t know how to do them ‘properly’. My lips aren’t ginormous enough to do a ‘duckface selfie’. I’m not that ‘healthy’ do to a ‘healthy selfie’. I don’t look gorgeous enough when I sleep to do the stupid ‘I’m asleep selfie’.
I’m just a bit shit at selfies.
But, I would like to have a little fun with the selfie and show my readers the Top Selfie Shots of Today. This is going to star a person who knows how to do a proper selfie, compared with the shit version of my own selfie.
It will make all the people who are crap at selfies, feel that bit better.
I got this. Not really. But let me try…..
The Healthy Selfie: Designed to show off a healthy lifestyle. Don’t worry that they just ate a burger on the way home…..because right now, at this photographic moment, they are drinking some horrible concoction of grass and weeds.
This category also includes the sweaty selfie which usually appears right after a gym session along with a caption about heading to the nearest salad bar.
If you are struggling with this one, wear sunglasses to make you look sexy/healthy. No person should ever look sweaty, or have unkempt hair, or even like you DON’T enjoy the healthy shit you are forcing down your gob.
Always, always look like you just walked out of a modelling shoot, not out of a gym or anything yuck like that.
#poojuice #itwassogood #theniateabagoffreddos #butthatdoesntcount
The Validation Selfie: New haircut? What about new freckle? Don’t wait for your friends and family to notice. Snap a quick selfie in the mirror to show off your new look/blemish.
Also, never smile in Validation Selfies (I effed up in this one sorry). Smiling means you are actually enjoying your new ‘look’. And that would suck if you are enjoying anything good in your life.
#newhair #newregrowth #dontyoudaresmile #youwillruinthephoto #plusgetwrinkleslikeme
The Victory Selfie: If you just bench-pressed a small giraffe or ran a marathon in a thunderstorm, or completed any other amazing accomplishment, it’s not complete without the official selfie. As the saying goes, “Upload the pic and show everyone, otherwise it didn’t actually happen.”
I, on the other hand, just finished my second load of washing. I honestly had to post this pic of me and my clean wet sheets, as no one would believe me. I’m so proud of myself.
#ilift #mywashing #checkoutmyflabbyarms #mightcelebratethissecondloadofwashing
The ‘I Love My Kids So Much’ Selfie: This one rarely shows children in it. We don’t want to spoil it obviously. Shown to the world to advertise how we love our kids so much but we have no idea where they are. Somewhere in the house, we think.
Also, make sure you filter-the-shit-out of the photo too. But never admit to adding filters. You just say, “Hell no have I used filters”. Of course my skin looks golden and wrinkle-free and kind of glowing in a ‘Ludwig’ sort of way.
Those freckles and chicken pox scars I used to have on my face? They miraculously disappeared right before I took this shot.
#nofilter #exceptforthefirstten #butnoneafterthat #okaytherewasonemore #fivemore
The Duckface Selfie: The most popular of all selfies. Originated by the Kardashians and tweenie boppers, the duckface selfie is one that accentuates the cheekbones, while letting you work on that smize.
Whatever the hell ‘smizing’ is.
It’s even better if you make it a bit blurry. Shows you don’t really care, but you do sorta care. If you really want to push it one step further, do the ‘V’ sign with your fingers. That makes you look all gangsta, even though you’re not.
#duckface #orsmalllipsface #makesureitsblurry #suckyourcheeksintoo
There are a lot of other selfie poses too. But I just don’t have the time to waste sorry. I got stuff to do.
And what about all the selfies people don’t upload? Ones like…..
The: ‘Reverse button on my phone was still on and I didn’t realise Selfie’.
The: ‘This was the 143rd photo I took trying to get that right shot but this also was wrong Selfie’.
The: ‘Oh shit, I have a double chin Selfie’.
The: ‘I totally forgot to move that chocolate wrapper out of the background when I have just announced to the world I am on a healthkick Selfie’.
So, if you are like me and a bit shit at selfies, either:
Filter the crap out of the photo to make you look better – people won’t recognise you, but that’s not important.
Or just don’t do them.
What is your opinion on the Selfie? Do you do them? Which is your favourite pose of all of them? Please let me know or even better, post a selfie of yourself on my Facebook page.
p.s. I have no clue how people find the time to do these ‘Selfies’! My phone memory has run out because of all the photos I took for this post! And now I have numerous photos of myself posing in front of my laundry. Which is very weird.
Linking up with Essentially Jess for #IBOT