THE CONFUSION OF THE TOYS

Kids toys these days are soooo different to what I had when I was young. There are also sooooooooo many more choices than just the bike and crayons that I had to play with.

Oh, and I also had that one creepy doll whose freaky eyes followed me around the room. Her eyelids made that clacking sound when they opened and closed, and she looked eerily like that doll ‘Annabelle’ from all those horror movies, and I used to hide her in my cupboard because I thought she was going to murder me through the night (see my post here on how freaked out I get at scary movies).

That doll is my childhood nightmare.

But, I digress.

I have recently come across some childrens toys (some owned by my son, some not), that have forced me to study their traits a bit more. They have got me a bit confused. That, or I just feel the need to make a smartarse comment on them. Because, I am one of the best bitchin’ smartarses around.

WARNING: My comments below may be offensive to you. So if you get all ‘I’m writing an email/comment to complain, because I like to hide behind my computer‘, please back off now.

Take this one below for example.

LITTLE PEOPLE DRIVER
Cute little person in an outback red ute, complete with
flowing hair and Akubra (cowboy hat, for all you internationals).

I always assumed this was a chick driving.

I imagined her as a bit of a ‘Thelma & Louise’ kind of gal. She would rock on to Keith Urban tunes. She knows where she is going in life. I mean, I had a bit of a love for the country when I was younger. I drove a ute. I owned an Akubra hat. I could relate.

But just the other day, I had to take a closer look at this suspicious looking fat faced figurine.

Rebellious free country woman now turns into……….. tanned Mexican dude, with unkempt overgrown black hair, hastily driving his red Chevvy ute to make smallish drug deal at the next farm down the road. All the while wearing his trusty Mexican palm leaf hat.

What do you think? Take a close look.

With a face that’s cute and chubby, it’s almost impossible to tell what gender it is. So I am currently calling it, ‘THE RED UTE PERSON’.

For you in context, “Reeve. Can you put the RED UTE PERSON back in your room please? Also, drugs are bad”.

And here is another…..

FAKE FOOD ITEM
Psychodelic pureed tomato sauce, sitting atop of
1980’s yellowish telephone cord, garnished with microscopic green bacteria,
or is it tiny green shits?

My 2 ½ year old son, thought it was a sandwich. Mate, you are way off.

My husband thought it was pizza. He then turned swiftly, got in the car and drove off. Because I knew he wanted nothing to do with whatever crazy shit I was planning for my next post.

I asked my Facebook readers what they thought this petrie dish atrocity was, and the general consensus was – pasta. But they were all baffled with the tiny green gherkins floating on top.

This confusing toy now sits alone with RED UTE DRIVER. I know they will be happy together.

And what about this cute little book…….

STORYBOOK
The tale of an innocent, sweet little bee…….or is he?

There’s no need for drugs, Busby. You should be high on life. Buzzed on the sweet scent of nature. Not ransacking your room (that I bet your Mother just cleaned for the 15th time today), to find your secret stash of ‘BUZZ’.

Move on Busby. As I said earlier – drugs are bad.

And how surprising (not really) that he is a male too. Of course, he can’t remember where he put his stuff. He is forever losing shit. He screams out to everyone, “Where is my BUZZ everyone?? I only just had it!”

Have you looked in the one place you are forever visiting Busby?

You know, like the flowers and pollen and shit?

Yeah. Didn’t think you looked there first.

And quit getting high with your insect friends!

For our next contender…….

LIVE PET MOUSE
Overpriced rodent that actually moves like the real thing
– no thanks.

Guys, if I wanted a squeaky feral rodent in my house to give my kid some entertainment, I would just never wash the dishes and leave the doors open.

I could get one for free.

Good for you if you can get Mothers to spend $16 on a toy that would end up being belted with the broom, or crunched under our feet three seconds after it was out of the packaging.

Your marketing is atrocious too – “I Move & Sound Like A Real Mouse”?, it would have been better if you wrote something like, “I laugh at your jokes and sometimes will unpack the dishwasher for you”, I would have surely spent the $16 on it if it did that.

And this one……

FURBY BOOM – IT HATCHES TOO
Strange Gizmo (from Gremlins) look-alike that will
actually hatch from an egg…inside your house…..in the dark.

One of the first scary movies I saw when I was young, was Gremlins. It has haunted me for a very long time. Especially that Stripe character. There are days when I think my kid can be a gremlin, but my son has got nothing on that spooky little creature.

So sorry. I won’t purchase a toy that looks so very much like Gizmo from the Gremlins movie, as I want nothing to do with a fuzzy hairball that hatches from an egg in my house……probably after midnight too.

For all the Frozen/Elsa haters…….

FROZEN SHAKER THINGY-ME-JIG
No idea what it even is, but it shakes!
It shakes I tell you!

Now, lucky me, hasn’t gone through the horror of hearing ‘Let It Go’ for the millionth time, and nearly checked themselves into an institution. But I have heard some very sad stories about some parents that can no longer think without having Elsa’s high notes stuck in their head. Poor guys.

BUT!! I purposely put this brand new toy that I found on here just for you! You can purchase this thing (no idea what it actually is), and you can SHAKE IT. YES!!

You can shake the shit out of this hairbrush thingy and release your frustration! For good measure, look Elsa directly in the eye (while shaking her) and scream, “I WILL LET IT GO ELSA! I AM ABOUT TO LET GO OF THIS TOY AND LAUNCH IT INTO THE NEXT STREET!”.

That should help with the built up anger you may have from this particular movie.

Here is another…..

WIGGLES CONVENIENTLY PLACED BOOKS ON STORE SHELVES
The search is over lovebirds.

If you have been living on planet Jupiter and haven’t heard of the Wiggles, well you will have no idea what this image is about. These guys are the ‘newer version’ of the Wiggles. These two have also recently just got engaged.

I thought the books titles were hilarious. And they were sitting right next to each other on the shelf. Awwww, love.

And the winner to most confusing toy is……

Quite sure this toy will not be on the shelves at Christmas time.

Have your kids got some confusing and weird toys? Do some of them baffle you, or have you got an awesome smartarse comment for one of them? I would love to hear in the Comments section.

Love (as Reeve says),

xxoo

p.s. I must let you know that the last toy is not in our house. I am not that kind of parent. I am happy to let my son play with dolls, but not hairy ones.