Dear Marketing for Chocolate Companies,
First of all, you guys are some lucky sons-of-bitches working in a company that gives you free samples every day. Is this a good thing, or a bad thing? I mean, because you get so many samples, does it actually turn you off chocolate?
I couldn’t imagine that happening. If you do just happen to get turned off chocolate, please send your samples my way.
So anywho, the reason I am writing this letter is probably going to save your company thousands of dollars. Maybe millions of dollars. I am going to be the hero of the day here. Someone whom you may even talk about for years to come. One day there will be a classy head shot of me on entrance to your glorious workplace. Everyone will point and say, “That’s her. She is the chick that saved this company. God bless that brilliant woman”.
Sorry. Got a bit off track.
You must be on the verge of your seats right now. You must be thinking what is this incredible thing she has found? Well, ladies and gentlemen, while I was eating (sorry, sneaking) chocolate the other day, I noticed an unusual and waste-of-time feature on your packaging.
It actually nearly made me choke on my chocolate freckle. It made me laugh out loud. I was bewildered.
Here is a photo of this wasted marketing you have come up with….
Notice the small writing in top right hand corner? The text that is circled? The bit that says ‘Reseal Me For Later’? That shit right there, is a complete waste of time.
Take this off your packaging, and you will save so much in printing costs. So much in design fees. And you may even get a raise from your boss. Because you thought sensibly.
I know for a fact* that nearly 100% of your consumers would not use this feature on your product. They would laugh and choke, just like I did.
*not a real fact
There is no way in hell we are going to reseal this packet. Ever. We are going to open that pack and never, ever, ever reseal that bastard. Because there is nothing left to reseal.
This is how I eat chocolate…….
I rip the packet open.
Dive my hand in.
Pull out all chocolate.
Eat all chocolate.
The end.
Below is a diagram for you to understand. I have used an elegant ceramic plate in this diagram. Because, I thought I would add a touch of class.
Yeah sure. Before I was a parent, I would actually save some chocolate for future eating. I would be responsible for my chocolate intake. Hell, the packet may have even lasted four whole days. But now that I am a parent, that process no longer exists.
I am a Mother. Which means I am usually last on the list for special treats. Everyone else seems to get first place in the house for chocolate/lollies/chips/food in general. So I am desperate sometimes.
Chocolate is now hidden in weird places that only I know of. It’s the only way now. So, when I get the opportunity to indulge, I will take 100% advantage of that opportunity and eat every single chocolately drop!
But I have an idea.
Can you please figure out how to make your packaging quieter?
Let me explain…….I also know for a fact**, that most of your consumers are Mothers who never get a chance to chow down on chocolate. Why, you ask? Because we have children now. That’s why.
**again, not a real fact.
Children, from maybe the ages of 12 months and up, develop some super natural hearing that is out of this world. They can hear (from the other end of the house) when you open the toilet door to do your business. They can hear when you pick up your phone to text a friend – which results in no text but letting child browse through the hundreds of photos of themselves.
They can also hear the crinkle and sound of a chocolate packet being opened.
They will hear this from their room, while their door is closed, you hiding in the pantry, and smothered by four pillows to drown out the noise.
They are super human in their hearing.
Is there a way you can make a packet out of tissue, or something so beautifully quiet? I don’t care if this increases the cost of your product. I will pay if you promise that when I open the packet, no child will come running from eight kilometres away.
I will pay, dude. Name your price.
I really hope this letter has given some insight to your consumers experiences with your packaging. I am happy for you to take the credit on the whole stupid Reseal Me For Later thing. Just make sure you send me free samples every month. For the rest of my life.
Thanks guys. I assume your tissue paper packaging will be on the shelves before Christmas. Costing only $49.99 per Snickers bar, and to be consumed within 30 seconds of purchasing (because of the whole hygiene and melting problem).
I will pay and consume quickly. Just as you wish.
xxoo
p.s. I speak for all Mothers here. Invent the quiet packaging, and you guys will be richer than Donald Trump. I promise.
Linking up with Essentially Jess for #IBOT
Lol, I love you’re take on this ridiculousness😉
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Why thank you. It sure is ridiculous.
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Oh my gosh I NEVER reseal for later, total waste of time. Silent packing though? Different story, you are on to something.
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Who does? No one. That’s who. Yes, I should really patent that idea me thinks. I could be super rich.
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Reseal for later? Seriously? Who does that?!!! Those little goodies know their fate as soon as the packet was opened. Their moments were numbered. There is no saving for later…
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No one does that. If they did, I don’t want to know them.
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I love this! Reseal for later? I don’t think so and you are so right about the noisy packaging too I sneak my chocolate in after the girls are in bed but they still hear me in their sleep! x
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How do they hear the smallest of noises? Can’t they just let us stuff our faces in peace? So not fair.
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Just love this, very amusing Kel. Yeah as if, I think we are all the same not happy until the packet is completely empty, although I am very very bad with lollies. Great read xx
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Haha! I know you wouldn’t reseal with a pack of lollies. None of your family would, especially my husband ;). x
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While you choked reading the wasteful sticky label, I choked while reading your post due to nodding my head and laughing at the same time. You’ve hit the nail on the head, again.
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Wow. I’m glad you nearly choked from laughing. Well, not really. But you know what I mean. Thanks Jodes. I like to make my readers happy :). x
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Um, ok … so this is where we differ. I still have Easter eggs left and will eat a block of chocolate two squares at a time and it lasts for weeks in my fridge.
Are we still friends?!
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Say what?! That is a very weird thing to do Haidee. Are you even human? Seriously though, if you are having ‘problems’ with eating chocolate at home, just post them over to me :). Thanks in advance.
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LOLOLOLOL!!! That sticker needs to GO! And you are damn right about the noise factor with their packaging – why aren’t we rioting in the streets for this shit? The number of times I’ve been busted…..
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That’s an idea! Rioting. Let’s meet out the front of Cadburys next Monday and throw shit at their building. Brilliant idea!
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Brilliant! I loved this post. Shared on Facebook for you. Now off to read your others. X
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Thanks so much! Love to hear that you love reading my post. xo
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Oh my goodness yes – quiet packaging would make them a small fortune!!!!
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Maybe I should be the one inventing it. Nah, I haven’t got time for that. I will just wait until this glorious invention is on the shelves! Thanks for reading. xo
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Lol. This reminds me of my husband’s saying: the more you eat, the more you get.
When you have a family and kids, there’s no way you can leave chocolate and expect it to be there the next day. You have to go for gold then and there. Definitely don’t need that silly reseal thing. #teamIBOT
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For sure. Your husband is a smart man :). Thanks for reading. x
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YES!!! If only …
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Can I just say I love you. We are kindred spirits. #gothefreckle
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I love you too Rach :).
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BTW I can save chocolate so I like that feature but I still LOVE this post because… freckles.
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What?! Save chocolate??? I don’t love you anymore 😉
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Still giggling over your photo montage thingy.
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Haha! I like that one too
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The people who invented the ‘reseal for later’ madness must surely have been the same ones who thought calling a mini version of a chocolate bar ‘fun size’. I mean, less chocolate? Where’s the fun in that! Hilarious work, Kelly. And I think you are really on to something here…
x Alice
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Oh Alice! You are so right. Those fun size bars, were actually shit boring size to me. Who has fun with a mouthful of chocolate? Weirdos, that’s who. Thanks love. xo
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True this. If I did not store chocolate in my special chocolate pouch (stomach) then there would be none left! Storing it means there’s still none left, but at least I got some!
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That is one of my secret hiding spots actually. My stomach. Great minds think alike :). Thanks for commenting. x
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Haha love it and spoken/written for all us mums x
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I hope so. I have a lot of support over this post ;). Thanks for reading. x
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Yeah, I like this. ALOT. Chocolate is my right. I deserve it. I have two teenagers and a one year old who breastfeeds all night and tries to climb out of the window all day. Chocolate is my right.
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You sound like you need my chocolate too! If I get free samples, I will send a truckload your way :). Thanks for reading. x
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I’m with Haidee; we still have easter chocolate left, although I will go through dairy milk pretty quickly. 🙂
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Wow. That is amazing to hear. I thought people like you were a myth 😉
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This is freakin’ hilarious Kelly! Must share!!! My chocolate does not get resealed for later… ever lol
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I’m so glad you enjoyed Lu! Thanks for the share too. I reckon these marketers are pretty crap at their job, huh?
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