DEAR MARKETING FOR CHOCOLATE

Dear Marketing for Chocolate Companies,

First of all, you guys are some lucky sons-of-bitches working in a company that gives you free samples every day. Is this a good thing, or a bad thing? I mean, because you get so many samples, does it actually turn you off chocolate?

I couldn’t imagine that happening. If you do just happen to get turned off chocolate, please send your samples my way.

So anywho, the reason I am writing this letter is probably going to save your company thousands of dollars. Maybe millions of dollars. I am going to be the hero of the day here. Someone whom you may even talk about for years to come. One day there will be a classy head shot of me on entrance to your glorious workplace. Everyone will point and say, “That’s her. She is the chick that saved this company. God bless that brilliant woman”.

Sorry. Got a bit off track.

You must be on the verge of your seats right now. You must be thinking what is this incredible thing she has found? Well, ladies and gentlemen, while I was eating (sorry, sneaking) chocolate the other day, I noticed an unusual and waste-of-time feature on your packaging.

It actually nearly made me choke on my chocolate freckle. It made me laugh out loud. I was bewildered.

Here is a photo of this wasted marketing you have come up with….

I’m confused.

Notice the small writing in top right hand corner? The text that is circled? The bit that says ‘Reseal Me For Later’? That shit right there, is a complete waste of time.

Take this off your packaging, and you will save so much in printing costs. So much in design fees. And you may even get a raise from your boss. Because you thought sensibly.

I know for a fact* that nearly 100% of your consumers would not use this feature on your product. They would laugh and choke, just like I did.

*not a real fact

There is no way in hell we are going to reseal this packet. Ever. We are going to open that pack and never, ever, ever reseal that bastard. Because there is nothing left to reseal.

This is how I eat chocolate…….

I rip the packet open.

Dive my hand in.

Pull out all chocolate.

Eat all chocolate.

The end.

Below is a diagram for you to understand. I have used an elegant ceramic plate in this diagram. Because, I thought I would add a touch of class.

Process happens in a matter of minutes.

Yeah sure. Before I was a parent, I would actually save some chocolate for future eating. I would be responsible for my chocolate intake. Hell, the packet may have even lasted four whole days. But now that I am a parent, that process no longer exists.

I am a Mother. Which means I am usually last on the list for special treats. Everyone else seems to get first place in the house for chocolate/lollies/chips/food in general. So I am desperate sometimes.

Chocolate is now hidden in weird places that only I know of. It’s the only way now. So, when I get the opportunity to indulge, I will take 100% advantage of that opportunity and eat every single chocolately drop!

But I have an idea.

Can you please figure out how to make your packaging quieter?

Let me explain…….I also know for a fact**, that most of your consumers are Mothers who never get a chance to chow down on chocolate. Why, you ask? Because we have children now. That’s why.

**again, not a real fact.

Children, from maybe the ages of 12 months and up, develop some super natural hearing that is out of this world. They can hear (from the other end of the house) when you open the toilet door to do your business. They can hear when you pick up your phone to text a friend – which results in no text but letting child browse through the hundreds of photos of themselves.

They can also hear the crinkle and sound of a chocolate packet being opened.

They will hear this from their room, while their door is closed, you hiding in the pantry, and smothered by four pillows to drown out the noise.

They are super human in their hearing.

Is there a way you can make a packet out of tissue, or something so beautifully quiet? I don’t care if this increases the cost of your product. I will pay if you promise that when I open the packet, no child will come running from eight kilometres away.

I will pay, dude. Name your price.

I really hope this letter has given some insight to your consumers experiences with your packaging. I am happy for you to take the credit on the whole stupid Reseal Me For Later thing. Just make sure you send me free samples every month. For the rest of my life.

Thanks guys. I assume your tissue paper packaging will be on the shelves before Christmas. Costing only $49.99 per Snickers bar, and to be consumed within 30 seconds of purchasing (because of the whole hygiene and melting problem).

I will pay and consume quickly. Just as you wish.

Love (as Reeve says),

xxoo

p.s. I speak for all Mothers here. Invent the quiet packaging, and you guys will be richer than Donald Trump. I promise.

Linking up with Essentially Jess for #IBOT