DEAR TOY PACKAGING COMPANIES

Dear Toy Packaging Companies,

Honestly. WTF?

Are you taking vengeance on the world because little Jimmy got a better transformer toy than you for Christmas back in 1987? Have you got such a vendetta against human limbs, that you must destroy all of the ones us parents own?

You must know what I am talking about?

Trying to remove a Barbie or action figure from your blister packs, is like performing a renovation on the smallest piece of land possible. I thought I was just opening a toy – not auditioning for the next series of ‘The Block’.

By the time we finish opening the actual toy, poor Barbie looks like she has had a cameo appearance in the ‘Saw’ movie series.

Oops. Sorry Barbs. My bad. Actually, you may want to rethink working for Mattel. Their packaging guys are shit.

Last Christmas my kid got a Ninja Turtle from ‘Santa’. I am thinking ‘Santa’, should rethink every Christmas present from now on, and just buy free standing stuffed toys that he can just grab easily from the shelf – hog tie free.

You should of seen the look of absolute bliss on my son’s face when he easily opened the wrapping paper (maybe have words with the Christmas paper wrapping companies – they seem to have more experience than you guys). Then you should have also seen the look of absolute frikken horror on my face when I actually had to unwravel ‘Raph’ from his 1300’s dungeon type chains.

‘Raph’ now looks like he really did get into a massive street fight with ‘Shredder’.

My kid’s birthday is two days after Christmas. So you could imagine how amazingly excited I was to start opening your shitty packaging of my kids presents, just two short days after I had gone through hell and back.

Sarcastic tone in that last statement, if you didn’t pick it up.

For his birthday he got some more ninja turtle shit. A ‘real life’ ninja turtle shell complete with ‘real life’ chainage so it will only take you 28 hours to open the bastard. Yay. I am fairly sure you save the hardest packaging for your Nickelodeon merchandise. Because that was an experience I never want to go through again.

I had to borrow the neighbour’s power drill; ask a friend to research ‘Is it actually possible to die from opening kids toys‘ on the internet; get another friend to pour a big arse glass of wine for myself; and invite Jean-Claude Van Damme over to roundhouse kick the copper wiring off the ninja turtle shell.

This may look all very innocent. But behind the scenes, it a messy blood bath.

Then I had the enjoyment of listening to my precious angel scream innocently in the background while I sweated off Christmas lunch, TRYING TO OPEN YOUR SUCKY PACKAGING!!

“Please be patient, Reeve. I’m getting there. The shell just seems to be wired, screwed, welded and super glued down to the concrete frame surrounding it. If you can hand me that jackhammer over there, that would be a big help. Thanks honey. Okay, put your safety glasses on and welding helmet – Mummy is going to be a few hours. Nickelodeon must be pissed at something this ninja turtle shell did in a past life, otherwise why would it be secured down like it’s a serial killer? Maybe I shouldn’t let you play with this demon toy. Okay! Okay! I will try again. Just hang tight darling. Only 27 more wires to cut. Can you hand me the chainsaw? Thanks honey. And the wine. Get Mummy some more wine please.”

You owe me $4,700 in Van Damme’s labour, three bottles of good cab sav, and ten litres of A+ blood – from all the hemorrhaging I did, trying to succeed.

By the time my kid actually got to play with his ninja turtle shell that I had just struggled to open, he had aged another year. And he wasn’t interested in playing with that toy anymore.

On your ‘helpful’ online sites, you do mention to open everything with tin snips. Because that makes it easier to access the toy. But who the hell carries tin snips in their back pocket?

“Crap this toy is hard to get out!”
“Oh don’t worry Carol. Use these tin snips I carry around in my back pocket to open little Jimmy’s present.”
“What? Why do you carry tin snips around in your pocket?”
“Ummm…. because it’s easier than carrying sulfuric acid. I once bought my kid a 37 piece Power Ranger set, and let’s just say, the acid made it a whole lot easier.”

Tin snips. The only possible way you are going to open little Jimmy’s Christmas present. That, or sulfuric acid.

I do understand that you need to have your packaging fairly solid, because there is those little bastard children who like to touch and test the toys out in the supermarket – and then their parents don’t pay for them, but instead just leave the toys sprawled out in aisle five.

Arses, aren’t they?

Is that your reason why you are so enraged, and then transfer this rage through your ability to clamp toys down so damn hard in your packaging?

Maybe you should have some device where the kid gets a bit of an electric shock if they try and open it, and it hasn’t been purchased yet. Not like massive electric shock, but one that gives them the lesson that you don’t touch shit that doesn’t belong to you, or that Mummy hasn’t paid for yet.

Child abuse? Maybe. But I am not the ‘ideas guy’. You are. Think harder, dickheads. You are making us parents hate Christmas, birthdays and any other occasion where we cringe at present giving.

I await your response, and I look forward to not using my power tools on my kids toys anymore.

Sincerely (as Reeve says),

xxoo

p.s. Be at peace with the world, forgive your enemies and release the anger you have that makes you seal toy packaging together like some vendetta you have on Princess Sophia. You will have a lot less frustrated and dead parents (because of all the hemorrhaging) for it.

Linking up with Essentially Jess for #IBOT