THE THINGS HE SAYS

All of us parents know that our kids can say some pretty original things – from hilarious turns of phrase to some downright weird shit.

They usually start with the basics….‘dada’ and ‘mama’, and then expand to ‘mine’, ‘bye-bye’, and then they get to the awful ‘no!’ Then their vocabulary just speeds up like they have had a shot of Ritalin injected into their voicebox, and their little mouths just won’t stop bloody moving!

We want to savour and remember all the hilarious (and strange) things they say. Some we would prefer to just wipe from our memories and pretend it never happened e.g. “I love Daddy the most”.

Well, I have come to that point in my blog life where I have to start sharing some of the stuff my son has used at home. Some of these have me cacking myself with laughter. Some make me scared of him. Some are just screwed up. Some are just beautifully sweet. And some make me think who the hell are you?

Note: My son is nearly three. He doesn’t talk 100% clearly yet. So of course, I have to type my interpretation of his speech. Just so you know what the hell I am talking about.

On laziness:
Having a lay in one Saturday morning, with my son in bed with me…

ME: “Okay. Let’s get up.”
HIM: “I will have a cup of tea thanks.”
ME: “Okay. Get up and I will make it.”
HIM: “In bed. Bring it in here. I just watch TV with my cuppa tea.”
ME: “Pfffft.” (walks out of room)

He has been known to shout from his room, “Come here you”, and “I’m so berry (very) tired. Bring me some wows*?”

Slave labour at its best.

*A wow is his interpretation of a treat.

On not hearing something:
HIM: “WHAT YOU SAYYY?”
ME: “Reeve! Say pardon.”
HIM: “HA?? WHAT YOU SAY? WHAT YOU SAYYY?”.

I’m raising a rude old grandfather who shouts and waves his toys at your face when he can’t hear you.

Calm down grandpa.

On my privacy:
When visiting public toilets he demands to know the very important information of what I am doing. Very frikken loudly……

HIM: “MUMM! YOU DOING POOS? OR WEES? WHICH ONE??WHIIIICHHH ONE? HA? HA? WHAT YOU SAY??”

ME: (dying of embarrassment)

On making sure I know evvveeerryyyythinngggg:
Walking through the shops. Again, out in public…..

HIM: “Hey Mum. I been popping off (farting) all this time”.
ME: “Oh, yay for you Reeve.”

On persistence:
Picking him up from daycare….

HIM: “Mum? You got a wow*?”
ME: “Not today.”
HIM: “Yeah you do. Look in your bag.”
ME: “Reeve! I don’t have one.”
HIM: “Yep. You do. Look.”
ME: “Aaarrgghhh!” (looks in bag reluctantly)
HIM: “You got one? Ha? HA? WHAT YOU SAY?”

This kid is very good at making me do shit I don’t want to do. I have taught him well.

*A wow is his interpretation of a treat.

On acting a bit ‘over-the-top’:
HIM: “TAAAA-DAHHHH!”
ME: “What? What did you do that’s so ta-dah?”
HIM: “Put my blocks on the floor” (proud look on face)

That, I’m sorry, is totally not worth a ‘ta-dah’. I will honestly give you enormous praise when you do something like make your bed, or shower and dry yourself (properly), or make your own lunch, or just be silent for a full twenty minutes.

You have the right to do a great big TA-DAH then. But sorry, you are not even going to get a golf clap from me because you spread your blocks out all over the floor.

Aim higher please.

On just, why? (and also on being super ANNOYING):
HIM: “What’s the time, Mum?”
ME: “3:30”
HIM: “Why? Why’s it 3:30? WHYYYYYYYY? WHYYYYYYY?”
ME: (sigh) “Only two hours until Daddy’s home”

On copying nature:
HIM: “Mummy!!”
ME: “Yes bub”
HIM: “I saw a cat and he was doing this” (sits down, lifts leg and starts trying to lick his bottom)
ME: “You’re awesome Reeve” (sarcastic tone)
HIM: “I’m not awesome. I’m Reeve” (serious face)

I’m Reeve. *serious face*

On offending (I think) his Mother:
“Mum. You smell like fat-fat.”

Really hoping fat-fat is French for: amazing beautiful person. Or Spanish for: you are the best Mother in the world and there would never be an instance that I would call you fat. Twice.

On creeping the absolute crap out of me:
HIM: (playing and talking to the wall)
ME: “Who you talking to mate?”
HIM: “To that man.”
ME: “What man?”
HIM: “That man just standing there (points to wall)”
ME: (contemplates about selling and leaving the house immediately)

On his curiosity:
HIM: “My doodle isn’t talking, Mum!”

Oh geez! I don’t even want to know what that is about thanks.

On beauty:
(looking down at his legs) “Oh God, I need to wax!”

On being politically correct:
ME: “You are such a funny kid”
HIM: “I’m not a funny kid. I’m Reeve” (serious face)

I’m Reeve. *serious face*

 

On obsession with particular things:
ME: “Let’s draw.” (me drawing some shapes on paper)
HIM: “Ok. I will just put a doodle and bum on it.”
ME: “Okkaaay. It’s just a square though. Doesn’t really need private parts.”
HIM: (draws private parts on all items on paper)
ME: “Right. Moving on. Do you want me to draw a rainbow?”
HIM: “Yep.”
ME: (draws rainbow)
HIM: (draws private parts on rainbow)
ME: “Let’s stop this game. It’s getting weird.”

On being honest:
HIM TO HIS DAD: “Dad. You got white hair”

It’s actually the distinguished salt and pepper look, blatantly honest child.

HIM TO ME: “Oh Mummy, I love that top. Not the shorts. They yuck.”

I have my own personal stylist who won’t hold back and doesn’t give a flying shit if you run off crying if he has insulted you.

HIM: “Oh, you are a gorgeous girl”
ME: “Awww. Thanks lovely. You are a gorgeous boy”
HIM: “I’m not gorgeous. I’m Reeve. (serious face)

I’m Reeve. *serious face*

 

I am amazed by all the things he says these days. I know a lot of the things children learn are from their parents, but they do have this wonderful personality that shines through too.

He is going to be the class clown one day I think.

Please share some of the funny and weird things your kids say. You can post them in my Comments section below or on my Facebook page.

Love (as Reeve says),

xxoo

p.s. The “I’m Reeve” (serious face) scenario happens at least four times a day in our house. He is super serious and does not like to be called anything apart from his name. So if you happen to meet him, only call him REEVE! And definitely nothing else, or you may just come face-to-face with THE SERIOUS FACE!

Linking up with Essentially Jess for #IBOT