The Morning Routine in my house may be very standard and familiar to you all. Most of you out there will be able to relate, because most of you would have experienced this tedious and never ending cycle.
It is a routine that will never disappear. It is with me (us) for life. There may be a ‘break’ in the routine, here and there. But it is something that will become fused into our blood. Something that will haunt us forever. Something that must happen over and over and over and over and over and over……well, you get the idea.
Here is my version…….
Side Note – Please envision a crazy lady, who rushes around, talks to herself quite often, shouts occasionally (to herself, and crappy annoying toys that are in the way), walks in and out of rooms as a time-waster (purely because she forgot why she went in there in the first place), grabbing clothes from the floor and throwing them somewhere else, eating cold toast crusts, brushing teeth and hair at same time, and all the while slurping cold coffee throughout this little routine below. The Beds I have to make the beds*. If I don’t, then I feel the house looks likes one of those trashed occupancies on that show ‘Hoarding: Buried Alive’. The beds must be made for me to continue on for the rest of the day. I am allowed to leave the bedroom, once the beds are made.
But wait. This task can be a bit impossible when my son, Reeve, has to air dive onto my blankets shouting, “Awwww, it’s so cosy! SO COSY MUMMA! Wrap me up Mumma! I’M TIRRRRRREEEDDDD!”. Sure you are Reeve. I wish you would say that and actually mean it for once. Now get the hell off the blankets while I make the bed. Approximately 37 minutes later, the beds are made. Why so long, you ask? Because my son doesn’t like to listen. That’s why.
*Okay, okay. Occasionally, I don’t make the beds. But I use a good excuse for this – I need to air the mattress and kill all the bacteria – ewwwww. I read this somewhere. I think. Or maybe I dreamt it. Whatevs. At least it sounds like a reasonable excuse.
Look Respectable: Ahahahahahaha! Sorry. This title was getting a little enthusiastic. Let’s just call it – ‘Try to look human before you actually exit your front door’. That sounds more realistic.
Ever tried to put makeup on with a 2 ½ year old at your feet? I actually nearly quit makeup because of this reason. Nearly did. But I thought I owed it to the rest of the worlds’ eyeballs to actually persist with the whole makeup thing.
While I slap my face powder, eyeliner, mascara, and occasionally eyeshadow on (the eyeshadow is saved for special occasions only……like when I know in advance that I actually have to talk to a person in close proximity), my son is forever asking what each item is and demands me to put some on him.
Every. Bloody. Morning.
“NO REEVE! You are not having Mummy’s makeup on! Go ask your Father! If he says yes, then I will do it. But I bet you all the cute puppies in the world he won’t say yes!”.
Act Like An Adult: In the morning, I like to put the news on. Just so I can actually know what is going on in this world of ours, and talk about some relatively important facts with other adults. I like to know if North Korea are still being dickheads. I like to see how our dumb politicians are spending our hard earned dollars. I like to know if someone actually won the $30 grand Cash Cow. I would actually like to watch a show that doesn’t have rhyming lingo and over enthusiastic laughing in their roles.
My son however, disagrees. He wants to know if DJ Lance from Yo Gabba Gabba, is still a twisted weirdo who speaks like a druggie. He wants to watch Play School, and see if Alex Papps is once again going to dress up like a dog, and strangely acts out this part quite well. My son would rather watch the kids channel. Even when he is in the other room, not watching it. He wants to watch it.
Child Dressed: So, I am one of the lucky few that DOESN’T have a child that screams and twists like a contortionist while I get him dressed. I do however have a child that likes to do a ‘Nudie Run’ before he gets into his day clothes. Just around the coffee table in the lounge room. But it must be done, apparently.
I do also have a child that likes to wear his ‘dinosaur shorts’ when it is 13 degrees outside. I also have a child that has to have the nappy** (diaper) which stars Mickey and Goofy! Not the one with Mickey holding the soccer ball. No. It has to be the one with Mickey and Goofy on it, acting like they are best buddies, and ruining my life! Damn you Huggies and your marketing idea to put two different types of printed nappies in the box.
**The toilet training is coming along very sloooooowwwwllly in our household at the moment.
Breakfast: What would you like for breakfast, Reeve? Why do I ask this question every morning? I don’t know why. Rice bubbles is the answer every time. Then he just eats maybe 3 spoonfuls of the cereal, drinks some of the milk straight from the bowl, then invades my breakfast plate. And also demands coffee from my cup. Why do I never learn with this question?
Computer On: I love pressing that button on my trusty laptop every morning. I am an adult, and it’s a very adult thing to do. I get ready for the emails, blog ideas, and other very important general shit I do (facebook). Then from stage right, enters a very enthusiastic toddler screaming, “Superman Punches! I wanna watch Superman Punches on Mummy’s puter!”.
Damn you lazy Kelly, who just had to put that bloody Youtube video on ONCE a few months back.
Be An Actual Parent: So after 4 hours of trying to get these tasks done, which only took maybe 5 minutes pre-children……I like to sit down with my son, or play a game with him, or just give him a cuddle. I have to. Or it feels like I am neglecting him. Especially after he has just launched toys or food at me to get my attention. I suppose I can spare a few minutes to be your Mother. I suppose.
Check The Holy Grails: These are my diary and my phone. They are back ups for each other. I can no longer rely on my actual brain or memory. They were ‘kid-fried’ long ago. I check my diary and phone to see my reminders on what I am actually going to do today.
If I don’t check these wonderous inventions, I would sit at home and have numerous amount of phone calls, emails and knocks on the door asking where the hell I am. Or why I have missed my appointment, again. I cannot live without either of these things.
Getting Out The Door: Wow. This one takes a bit of time, screaming, forgetting shit, and effort. I have the goal in mind. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
“We will do this”, I shout, “WE WILL EXIT THIS HOUSE…………………………. EVENTUALLY!”. We slowly get to the door, while I say to my son, “Today, Reeve. Today would be good”, as he drags his feet and asks for another piece of food. We nearly get to the car, while I scream, “Andalay, Andalay! Let’s move it”. We actually sometimes get in the car without me forgetting the snacks I packed for my son. Sometimes. But we do eventually leave the house and get to our ‘whatever thing’ we are going to. Eventually.
There are also another 14 grey hairs on my head. I may have forgotten to brush my teeth, again. And sometimes I have only done one eye of makeup (see pic above). But I could not give a shit, because anything is better than going back to the house and reliving the routine of what just happened.
Sound familiar? Good. I hope it does. Let me know some of your tedious moments that happen in the morning, trying to get out of the house.
p.s. Long ago, were the days of actually brushing my hair and looking somewhat nice for the day. My hair, has never in its life been put up in a ponytail more than now. It has got a memory of that ‘format’, because that is how I do my hair now…..super rushed, and super freaking easy.